2010 May | Living Beyond Limits

Archive for May, 2010

Transforming Personal Conflict

Does your partner do something that really annoys you – I means REALLY upsets you?
Or is your work, your life, the Universe conspiring to wreck your life?

Other people, especially those closes to us, tend to reflect the shadow side of our personality – the side of yourself that you deny or refuse to face up too.

When you learn to love and integrate these same annoying characteristics in yourself suddenly your whole world, your love and passion feels free and light.

The heavy burden is lifted.

Pinpoint the specific most negative trait?

What trait, action, inaction do I dislike, despise, or consider negative or repulsive about this person?

What is it about this person that pushes you away? While your at it, are there any other traits that annoy you about this person? Apply the following steps to these traits too.

Name anyone who has observed or recognized the same trait in you?

You may choose to use initials for brevity.

We all have the same characteristics that upset us in our own personality – that is why we can recognize them in others.

Keep writing until you are completely convinced you have see this trait to the same extent in yourself – this is called ‘integrating your shadow’.

Have I ever benefited from behaving the same way?

How have I used this same upsetting characteristic to benefit myself when I have acted or behaved this way?

Can you see how this trait can be equally of service or disservice blessing or curse?

This helps neutralize any contempt or fear of the character trait itself.

When I caused this event how did it benefit me or others?

You could also ask How have others who see this trait in me benefited from it?

Using abbreviations try to write out at least 15 benefits.

This helps dissolve any shame or guilt Ask yourself again: Can you see how this trait can be equally of service or disservice blessing or curse?

Has anyone seen the exact opposite trait in that person?

Name anyone who has seen the exact opposite of the negative trait in the other person

List as many initials of people who have seen the opposite, possibly good, trait.

You could ask: where and when does (s)he show this trait?
Can you see that this person has the trait and it’s opposite equally?
Where and when did this person exhibit the exact opposite trait?

This helps dissolve the illusion of all or nothing, black or white, good bad thinking about people.

Lets expand your awareness of the balance of opposites in your life experience.

Think back at the times when you were upset by the annoying trait of your lover. Who else was there? Who was acting out the exact opposite trait at that same moment?

(If you were attacked verbally, did someone defend you for example? When (s)he was critical or negative, who was positive of me).

Repeat this for every occasion you can remember being upset by that person.

Can you see there has been a simultaneous expression of this trait and its opposite at the very same time?

According to John Demartini, do this enough and you will begin to focus on the present. There is no need to focus on the good old days – they may not have been as good as distorted memories remind you – or as bad as you want to tell yourself to justify your failings.

You can begin to enjoy the synchronicity of the present moment when you learn how to look and see the counterbalancing of values in your awareness.

Every trait is neutral until you or someone else judges it as good or bad. So lets dissolve any remaining fantasies about other people and see both sides.

If the other person acted the exact opposite what would be the drawback to me?

What would be the disadvantage to me of they were the way I wanted them to be?

Keep listing all possible reasons why you would lose out if they were the way you wanted. keep going until you feel no more resentment.

The previous exercise can be expanded to be a life changing exercise.

Imagine you list not one – but about twenty characteristics of a person or event that profoundly hurt you. You may find – as did id I – that I suddenly found deeper, darker scarier past events come to the surface.

When we can only see differences, separation and opposition we build resentment.

When we are infatuated, we see no differences our identity becomes submerged into the other person.

In a healthy relationship, there is unity through duality when two people have separate identities but remain connected. A similar approach can be used to neutralize infatuations.

Symbolized in ancient traditions as the vesica pisces, thiswas the symbol of Venus, the virgin Mary, it was adapted by the early Christians in the form of the icthus, or Jesus fish, symbolizing a connection between heaven and earth, or g-d and man.

When using this process for a list of traits as part of the Demartini Method, people report