We yearn to be touched. held and caressed. We yearn the abandonment to our senses and yet for so many touch is so little used and developed.
Touching is a beautiful and important expression of love. However, thousands of years as hunter and provider have left many men in their heads.
The warriors of the past often had to ignore pain in the heat of battle, or in the hard struggle to make a living.
Being a man meant being tough, the very opposite of what their sensitive beloved wanted in those exquisite moments of intimacy.
When touching our beloved, are you really present? Do we truly feel the texture of thee skin, sense the tremor of delight as yiu caress her thighs? Or perhaps, as much as you slow yourself down, your mind is rushing you in the next step toward satisfying your arousal.
So, it’s time to awaken our kinesthetic powers. Spend time together touching – just touching. Your goal is to learn to feel. To know what you like and what your lover enjoys.
Relearn to appreciate the beauties of your body and of your lover.
Sensate focus exercises encourage each partner to take give increased attention to their own senses. While there are different types of sensate focus techniques, sensate focus exercises can be used in therapy or at home.
Originally developed by Masters and Johnson for couples experiencing sexual problems, they heighten a couples personal awareness and spice up love making with variety.
So let’s set the mood
You want to ensure you will not be disturbed and that you will be completely comfortable for about an hour. As you will both be naked ensure a pleasant temperature. You may choose to bring extra pillows and cushions for added comfort.
- Set aside sufficient time
- Unplug the phone and lock the door.
- Ensure there are no unfinished jobs that could distract you, or paperwork laying around to destroy the mood.
- Prepare your room. Light some candles, or use tinted light bulbs. Light some incense, burn essential oils, like rose or ylang ylang. You could sparingly spray your favourite scent.
- Put on a quite relaxing track of peaceful romantic music. Preferably without lyrics. Words may switch on your left brain analytical side.
- You could use a satin throw over that can be used to set the mood in any room you ever choose to ignite the dance of love.
- Set the heating for at least an hour before.
Yes there are rules
Although this exercise can be very arousing, you must both agree beforehand that sex and touching the genitia is out of bounds.
You also agree not to talk about the experience for the next 24 hours. This removes the temptation to analyze the experience. Turn your left brain off and relax into the experience.
This is NOT a prelude to sex. Your aim is to focus on the sense of touch for its own sake. You may find that the delayed gratification will make your next love making more passionate.
Just enjoy taking turns touching and being touched.
Dr. Frank Pittman in Psychology Today put it rather bluntly “Modern sex experts like David Schnarch encourage couples to screw less and make love more, to stop making such a big thing over such a little thing as a penis. The penis may be the point man but he isn’t the whole team.”
Letting go and being touched
Simply lend your body to your partner for 30 minutes. Unless something is uncomfortable, say nothing and relax. Talking can detract from your being fully aware of your physical sensations.
Perhaps slow relaxing breathing may help you be aware of the sensation of being touched.
Relax lying on your back and then your front for 15 minutes each.
Learning sensuous touch
Explore your partner’s body from head to toe, avoiding the genitals.
You’re purpose is to focus entirely on the experience of touch. You will be developing your ssensual awareness.
Simply flow with your intuition and do not try to guess what your partner may like. Your partner will also begin to sense what interests you and develop an appreciation of where you focus your touching efforts.
How does your partners body feel? What do the the textures and contours of the skin feel like. Are their differences in body temperatures? Does the body temperature change after being stroked?
Explore your partner’s body from head to toe, first the back then the front. Avoid the genital area.
Try different stroke styles – long or short, firm or soft and feathery. Use your figer tips or your open palm. Dance your fingers like little spiders or use the back of your hand.
Focus on the pleasure of touching your lover and not on giving pleasure. On another occasion you can use a similar technique where the purpose is purely to find out what textures delight your lover – with feathers or soft silk.
However, here you are opening up your own awareness of feel.
After 15 minutes each on the bodies front and back, then swap over and allow your partner the same experience.
Remember, after the hour, avoid analyzing anything. Spend the day ruminating on the experience.
Hand Riding
A second stage of sensate focus that can be practiced on another occasion is hand riding.
Although the breasts and genitals are caressed, the focus in still on sensual awareness. You again agree to not make love or arouse an orgasm.
You begin touching the overall body rather than rushing to the breasts and genitals.
You will do this using the technique of hand riding to develop non verbal communication.
While being touched you place your hand on top of your partners hand. This way you can use signal that you want him to slow down, stay in an area that is delightful, or to use more pressure or a lighter touch.
However, your partner is still in control You must avoid taking over his actions. Simply signal hits of desires and relax into what happens.
You still want the touching partner to focus on what interests her. Just hint how to enhance her actions and increase your experience.
Mutual Touch
In what is more naturally, your sexual experience you use mutual touch to help your partner shift attention to a part of his partner’s body and away from watching his own response.
Again, no matter how aroused you feel, love making is out of bounds.
Pushing the Sensate Limits
In future occasions, sensate focus can include allowing the woman to sit on top, touching her vagina against the penis but not attempting or allowing insertion.
She can rub the penis against her, however, the focus is again on sensation of touch whether or not the man experiences an erection. How does the vagina. Labia or vulva feel to touch, How does the vulva feel against the man’s penis?
On further occasions the tip of the penis may be inserted. Again the focus is on the sensation of both partners. As orgasm is still out of bounds pull away and return to overall body touch if any sexual urgency occurs.
Even in cases of severe sexual dysfunction, after a few sessions of this level full sexual dramatic improvements have been observed in psychotherapy sessions.
Because orgasm is forbidden, each partner can simply relax into experiencing touch.
There is no fear of the need to sexually perform. Couples who find it hard to allow themselves the permission to experience pleasure find themselves free to relax into pleasure without anxiety.
This can help a couple increase their overall ability to communicate and intuitively sense their partner.
Pitttman writes of the “need to teach people to masturbate better–slowly, grandly, proudly–learning all there is to know about their genitals and the rest of their totally erogenous bodies. In time they must teach someone else to touch them in the right places, in the right way, for the right time for their stage of arousal.”
“Nothing improves a couple’s sex life more than giving up screwing altogether until they know themselves and one another so intimately that they can play one another’s body like an organ, with hand pedals, foot pedals, mouth pedals, and all the stops.”
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