Handling difficult moments

Feb 052010

No matter how perfect he is, there will be those difficult moments.He may be perfect, but he is still human.

Or you may be out at a club and you bump into that annoying business associate that you cannot so easily walk away from.

Not all of us have perfect control of our emotions. There are some people who seem to have no emotional intelligence at all.

Aunt Mary has the incredible ability to turn any family reunion into a nightmare.

If you are like most people, including me, you slip into avoidance strategies and may never really learn to grow from those people challenges.

While we cannot change others, we can change how we deal with them. That will go along way to train others to act appropriately around us.

First, you need to keep your cool and secondly it helps to understand why people do what they do.

Keeping Calm Under Crisis

Set a time limit on how much time you spend with Mr. Obnoxious – and stick to it.
Use humor: Do you remember, the movie ‘Water Boy”? Henry Winklers character visualized the obnoxious opposing coach into a cartoon and changed his own mood.
Accept who they are. 50% of their character is genetic so why fight it?
Relax. A few deep breaths can slow down your responses and keep you cool.
Excuse yourself, and give youself time to cool down.

So lets consider a few scenario’s

He’s Angry and impatient

Lacking emotional stability, this man probably is unable to handle his emotions in stressful situations. He is insecure and anxious.

Success strategies

Recognize his feelings: “I feel this must be a difficult time for you.”
Offer Assistance if Possible: “How can I help?”
Respectfully offer support: “I admire you for dealing with this issue.”

Remember, a person is likely to respond well to you when they believe you feel their pain. People won’t listen if you tell them they’re a jerk and to grow up!

He’s overbearing

Disagreeable, possibly unfriendly and even uncooperative or lacking compassion, he is antagonistic and hostile.

Success strategies

Offer support: “I can understand why you may feel that way.”
Agree to disagree: “I don’t feel the same way, but I appreciate your point of view.”

While not supporting his unpleasant manner, you have both recognized them and expressed that you differ.

He’s lazy

He has what Tony Robbins calls impotent goals, lacks self discipline, is poorly organized or just can’t seem to hang in there.

Success strategies

Be hard on the issue and soft on the person: “I know you’re not lazy; could we arrange a schedule so that you can focus on one thing at a time?”
Boost his or her sense of competence—”Let’s find out if there are classes that will help you ackieve that goal confidently?”

As I wrote in Overcoming A Passive Aggressive Nightmare, in a relationship you can become frustrated by your partners repeated failure to fulfill commitments you finely explode and then find yourself being painted the bad guy.

You can also use Reverse Psychology: Ask the person to help you with the very issue that concerns you. In order to feel right he will have to come up with a constructive solution, and if he doesn’t follow through he can only blame himself.

He’s a cold fish

Possibly an introvert, who avoids big gatherings and idle chat he relates better one on one.
They usually dislike big gatherings or lots of chitchat.

Success strategies

Talk in private and quietly “Let’s sit over here so we can talk one to one.”
Stop talking! Introverts prefer to think before they talk, while the noisy extrovert rattles out the verbage before placingbrain in gear. Give him time to think out his words, or you will squash communication.

He’s self-centered and in the cloud

Chances are he is chasing the next big adventure. Chasing new experiences he probably is not absorbed in the reality of now. So he doesn’t spend the needed time to learn the practical realities of life.

Quiet frustrating for a practical type who needs a job done now and properly.

Success strategies

Be pragmatic: “How could you practically use this information to get this job done?”
Offer Support: “You are very good at …” There is always something that can be recognized.
Be straightforward: “That’s a great idea, however, we have urgent priorities to finish first. Perhaps we can check that out later.”

Balance empathy with expectation.: ‘I am sorry that you lost that file. I still need that job done by Tuesday.”

Finally, remember that people respond to our own personality traits. So be aware of your own flaws and how you successfully, or even not so successfully, have dealt with others in the past.

As John Demartini reminds us, we also have the same characteristics of successful and unsuccessful people in our selves.

It’s up to us to learn from our experiences and transform them into an opportunity for self growth.

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