Channel surfing I hit upon the end of an interview.
‘I’ve been sleeping with my partner for several months’ said a woman, ‘but it was the hand holding that seemed overly intimate.”
In a world where privacy seems to be forgotten, where love and d sex are often equated with graphic nudity, holding hands for the first time was the most expressive and bonding sensation of all.
It’s not important who she was – I don’t know her name – what struck me was her simple yet profound observation that we as a society place to much importance on the aesthetics of life – youth, beauty, social status and the experience of sex.
“By the time you are eighty, the chances are none of these things will matter anymore.”
So true, I thought, recalling what I saw last week on one of my inner city train rides.
I had seen a couple, I guess in their eighties, who helping each other across the road seemed to exist purely for the other. They smiled like they were newly in love, and yet were there to assist each other in the arduous task of crossing a busy city street.
Rare indeed is this long term intimacy in modern life.
I just read a critique of Elizabeth Gilbert’s analysis of Western marriage, found in Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage.
Gilbert rightly points out that the Western world is embedded with two contrasting world views, a secular humanist Greek worldview, borrowed via Plato and Socrates etc al. and Hebrew notion of divinity.
So while one view sanctifies, the individual the Hebrew model praises respect, obedience and the collective. I suppose this is why Elizabeth Gilbert describes the Hebrew model as tribalism.
Although, I would argue that the Hebrew model teaches a universal collective consciousness, what kabbalah calls Adam Kadmon, man’s collective soul. Kabbalah teaches that we learn transcendence of the go through service to others.
This is where the kabbalistic model differs to say the Buddhist model of a celebrate monk or nun, The Jewish model teaches transcendence comes from service. True – Buddhism does that too – however, committed marriage, not celibacy, is part of the refining process.
“Rather than diminishing the self, as Elizabeth fears, marriage expands the self to include the spouse” wrote reviewer Sara Yoheved Rigler, author of Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara
She describes herself “a fan who would read Liz Gilbert even if she wrote computer manuals” however, disagrees on Gilbert’s critique of the marriage institution
“In Judaism, the purpose of marriage is to create a sacred space where the Divine Presence can dwell. Since the Holy Temple was destroyed, there is no other way to bond with God on all levels than through bonding with one’s spouse.”
“When self-transcendence is the goal, marriage is not the great spoiler, but rather the great facilitator” she said.
“The daily discipline of relinquishing your preferences for your spouse, of going Chinese when you prefer Italian, of sleeping with the thermostat set to a frigid 64 when you prefer 68, can liberate you from the prison of egotism and self-centeredness.”
This brings me back to the idea of intimacy and passion.
In today’s world we like to paint the picture of two lovers so a part of each other that passion is spontaneous, that love is never work. It is – it must always, by modern definition, be fun.
Surely that is a fallacy.
Intimacy comes not just from the receipt of pleasure, but by how we respond and give our gifts back in service.
Like a home, our intimacy is developed and built just as you build a home.
Marriage is in the Hebrew model a restoration of ‘primordial wholeness’. Man it is said was created ‘male and female’ (Genesis 1:27), but then from Adams side, femininity was taken and made separate, personified in a female a soul – Chava or Eve.
On a theological level, it is believed that before coming to earth these soul mates were formerly one but under the marriage canopy (chuppah) the two souls refuse as one.
The sacred nature of this hieros gamos is suggested in the Hebrew word bayit, or home. It is also the same word used for the temple that resided in Jerusalem. The temple is where G-d’s presence, symbolized by the shechinah, a burning light or flame by night, resided.
The home of these two bodies, newly fused into one at marriage, becomes ‘become the resting place for the Divine Presence in this world” says Rigler.
“No man [should be] without a woman, no woman without a man, and both of them not without the Shechinah” says the Talmud.
However, is there anything practical to be gained by this theological romanticizing?
Perhaps we can consider our octogenarians again.
There is no doubt in their long union they had challengers. I would suggest that may of the couples who merged their purpose in the crucible of the great depression focused on the practicalities of life and love.
Perhaps their marriage photo showed them formal and straight faced. Now wedding shots show an obligatory plastic smile – even a wedding at a resort where family are not even invited.
The wedding is about pleasure and taking, not about greater service and commitment.
When the pleasure is gone will the union continue?
How committed we must be to make marriage work was expressed by Rabbi Nachum Braverman What is my commitment to my hand? I’m not committed to my hand. I AM my hand.”
By this view divorce is an amputation, allowed by Jewish Law, but a barbed and tortuous route that you do not escape unscathed.
Sometimes, though, it is necessary to amputate a gangrenous limb.
On the other hand, when you approach life, love, marriage and community worth a sense of total commitment you do not seek an exit.
If two people are truly committed they make it work. Past bridges are burned there is no talk of quitting if the going gets tough.
You simply make life work. You make love work. As different as men and women are physically, psychologically, and spiritually you create intimacy.
This is the type of commitment that builds communities, changes lives and fashions a powerful future.
In every moment the universe is recreated taught the kabbalist Israel Shem Tov. There is not past or future, only the now.
In each moment our neurology is flooded by experience.
In the flush of new love we thrive and live for new exciting expressions of devotion from a lover. The simple first touch can means so much.
Then our brain shifts to flooding our brains with oxytocin, a comfort seeking hormone that encourages us to cuddle and merge.
There is less excitement but also a great potential.
The excitement of new love requires little investment it just happens. We anchor positive emotions to each bonding experience.
True love, the building of a home can be hard work in the grind of life. It is all too easy to come home tired and slip into an expressionless routine.
If we are not careful the face of our lover now recalls tired looks, distressed exhaustion and fatigue.
Left unchecked they become a symbol of the fears that hide within our shadow.
It is up to us, to awaken the possibility in each moment and recreate the pleasure of this moment. One re-enamored, that shadow self we saw in the beloved become an object of intrigue and fascination.
In seeking to give pleasure to my beloved, I can reinvest myself and reawaken the joy experienced by my smile, and by my touch.
Rather than chase fleeting moments of past pleasure, I recreate in our love a new world of ecstasy and joy that empowers us both to make our love – and our world – a home for G-d.
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Facebook comments:
It is really special when people are still together and still find new ways to do that at such an old age. I hope me and my wife can reach that milestone together one day.