Have you ever met one of those saintly people who seem to be able to read the soul?
I once met a man, a former religious teacher who had spent years in New Guinea. My grandmother used to send clothing to needy people throughout the world and he would distribute clothing from her.
Over twenty years after grandma’s death I first met him, an old man with an incredible aura.
“Hmmm, … four boys… you have a heavy responsibility.”
Those few words cut me open. I had always felt underprepared to the challenging role of step parent. How did he know how I felt within?
No matter how many times I read the read the experts, contemplated the Bible, mediated or prayed, I never have all the answers. Yet I thought I needed them.
If only, like this gentleman, I could read the soul.
“Education does not create anything new, but rather reveals what is already hidden within a person” wrote Kabbalist Rav Kuk.
But how to tap into it?
Those big youthful innocent eyes expect you to know. Or the teenage wants you not to know so they can justify doing what he wants.
“Always tell the truth, but be consistently gentle” I read at Kabblah.info.
Yeah, right. You try it.
Now I am very interested in trying to take the spiritual course. But I’m human. I slip up. I get angry. I get annoyed. I try not too, I really do – and I am much, much better, but …
“Be direct with the child, direct to the end, otherwise you will not gain his trust, since a child is sensitive to any falseness, as benign as it may be” said Yanush Korchak.
Again, I ask how?
We understand the simple gentle soul of our children must be handled with care. They seem to have a deep holistic grasp of truth. If you try to withhold something from them and they sense it.
Yet they are often unprepared for an in depth analysis no matter how intense their questions and the never ending ‘Why?’
However, it has been argued that children use lower brain waves than we beta- brained adults. Their world is more akin to the creative right brained artist, perhaps even a dream state. Hence, it is better to speak in terms of their visual picturesque world. Describe pictures and things that can be touched. Avoid abstract concepts.
Answer what is asked and do not push a child into lectures they are not asking about. Communication experts suggest that we should match our communication style with the person we are talking too. The direct businessman wants a direct answer, the kindly old lady may respond to a light indirect heart to heart. If you watch a person you can sense their style.
It’s the same with kids. To communicate, we must carefully observe and listen. Do the eyes of the soul reveal comprehension or frustrated boredom?
But what if you don’t know the answer?
Admit it. You will earn trust. Then suggest you work together to find the answer. Perhaps it could be a joint project. Kabbalah teaches we yearn for true intimacy and friendship at a deep spiritual level.
“What is important is to not stop asking questions” said Einstein. So never squash the desire to ask.
However, it doesn’t take long for a kid to understand one very powerful word:
No!
It seems that sometimes the most agreeable child will listen respectfully and then go and do the opposite!
Kabbalah argues that to be truly satisfied we must feel that improvement come from within. Not because we are asked. It also suggests that we learn the need to be altruistic because of discovering the emptiness of demanding it all.
On the one hand we want the best for our kids, yet we instinctively know they must also find their own way. In another sense keeping the status quo may serve the parents, even if it is for a child’s ultimate good.
So the child sees that it might suit them, but not him.
This then ties in with another skill promoted by communication experts. Learn to express your message in terms of the other person’s value system.
Realizing that there will be a different value system within the next generation can make a more tolerant parent. We cannot pretend the differences do not exist and expect to communicate our message in terms of the child’s value system. If we learn to look at things empathetically and stand in the other person shoes, then we can guide them to where they want to go in a way that will be mutually constructive.
According to Kabbalah if you want to be listened to ensure your child feels they will benefit from your advice. They may know it is good for them – but do they feel it? When a child feels the benefit of altruism, they appreciate that to be effective in the world they must also contribute value to others.
At times, it may have to come down to because you say so. You don’t have time to debate the road rules if a child is just about to run into traffic.
However, a child who is convinced your intentions are altruistic is far more likely to come back for guidance. This requires a deep seated self analysis of who gains by our counsel. Sometimes the best lessons are learned in the play of friendship when no lesson is expected but good behavior is modeled.
At times you may respond with anger to teenager’s persistant challengers. In every mistake we make, we have the opportunity to look within and ask whether we could have done things differently; to refine and grow as people.
Rather than appearing to be a legalistic adherent to rules, we need to guide and train. Yes, each family must have its rules and expectations to live up to. However, the rules are there to guide, to protect and to nurture caring and sharing.
