When South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was caught red-handed returning from a tryst with his Argentine mistress last June, he told the Associated Press that he had met his “soul mate.”
Many thought Sanford’s choice of words suggested he had a deep emotional and spiritual connection with Maria Belen Chapur. It was as if the governor was saying this made his sexual infidelity less offensive.
What the two-timing governor didn’t understand is that worldwide most women view emotional infidelity as worse, not better, than sexual betrayal. However, research demonstrates that most men become much more jealous about sexual infidelity than they do about emotional infidelity.
Is this why Hillary Clinton stayed with Bill Clinton and seemed unconcerned about his sexual affair with Monica Lewinsky?
A new study from Pennsylvania State University suggests that the difference may be rooted more in individual differences in personality that result from one’s relationship history but that can fall along gender lines.
As Levy & Kelly report in Psychological Science, that those with a dismissing attachment style— who prize their autonomy in relationships over commitment—were much more upset about sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity.
Conversely, those securely attached in relationships—including securely attached men—were much more likely to find emotional betrayal more upsetting.
While supporting the gender differences, this explanation differs with the prevailing model that explains jealousy in terms of biological evolution.
According to evolutionary psychology men learned over eons to be hyper-vigilant about sex because they can never be absolutely certain they are the father of a child, while women are much more concerned about having a partner who is committed to raising a family.
Levy and Kelly questioned the prevailing evolutionary explanation because there is a conspicuous subset of men who find emotional betrayal more distressing than sexual infidelity.
The researchers suspected a link with trust and emotional attachment. Some people—men and women alike—are more secure in their attachments to others, while others tend to be more dismissive of the need for close attachment relationships.
Psychologists see this compulsive self-reliance as a defensive strategy against deep-seated feelings of vulnerability. Levy and Kelly hypothesized that these individuals would tend to be concerned with the sexual aspects of relationships rather than emotional intimacy.
Men and women were asked whether they would find sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity more distressing. They also completed additional assessments including a standard and well validated measure of attachment style in romantic relationships assessment.
This study implies that the psychological and cultural-environmental mechanisms underlying sex differences in jealousy may have greater roles than previously recognized.
This suggests that promoting a sense of secure attachment within a couple may reduce sexual jealousy that contributes to domestic violence.
