Apologizing is a choice. But all too often we convince ourselves
· It is not worth the effort
· It was all his fault
Yet like a bomb falling, unresolved resentment and unforgiven hurt eventually explodes.
Releasing a person from our own emotional grip is as beneficial to ourselves as to the person who hurt us.
However, it need not mean letting a person go scot free. Forgiveness, does not release a person from the consequences of failure.
Trust is a tender plant, and like a good relationship it must be nurtured.

So Why Apologize?

When we are hurt something inside us yearns for reconciliation- learning the art of apologizing, smoothes the road of love.
When someone does not apologize, it causes us to seek justice. So why not foster love?
In The Five Languages of Apology, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas point out that we often favor one of five types of apology expressed with the five languages of love.

The Five Languages of apology

1. Regret “I’m sorry”

Regret focuses on what you did, or failed to do, and how it affected the other person.
Some people feel it helps them see that a person is sincere when they explain how their actions effected the person they are apologizing too.
Actually saying “I am sorry for …” whatever the offence was can go a long way – especially when their body language is congruent.
True regret does not add “ …. but ….” Even if there are extenuating circumstances leave them until later.
True regret does not use an apology to manipulate.
True regret is important in the process of healing.

2. Accepting responsibility

A true apology accepts responsibility for your actions.
Being reluctant to accept responsibility often stems from a sense of low self worth.
“We may reason, only losers confess, intelligent people try to show their actions are justified” wrote Thomas and Chapman.
It certainly is easier to blame others.
Often both sides of a relationship spat should apologize.
We feel that we have been attacked and that some chord deep within has been unjustly slandered or exaggeratedly laid bare.
Perhaps, we have issues bought on by a challenging childhood.
Yes, you do have a right to feel hurt.
No – you don’t have a right to retaliate in kind.
If your lover has some deep in ground flaw try to discuss it in terms of the language of love they predominately use
· Affirmations
· Acts of service
· Receiving and giving gifts
· Quality time
· Physical touch

3. Making restitution

‘Making things right’ answers the nagging fear of “do you still live me?” claim Thomas and chapman.
After all, when we are hurt, we often ask “If (s)he loves me, how can (s)he do that?”
“A willingness to do something to try to make up for the pain I have caused you is evidence of a true apology” wrote Andy Stanley in How Good is good enough?.
Forgiveness researcher Everett Worthington calls this ‘equalizing’ “a making up for the loss that the other person experienced” and offer to “equalize the balance of justice.”
It may require going beyond simply restoring an equal loss.

4. Genuinely Repenting

Restitution requires recognizing the destructive nature of the behavior, wanting to change, and making plans to start down the road to transformation.
Saying “I am sorry – but I refuse to change” is not a true apology.
Rather, a plan of transformation is best put in writing, so that small measurable progress can be seen and rewarded.
However, change can be costly. You may secretly like the flaw in your partner – especially if you like finding fault enjoy having something to criticize. You may have to change too!
Of course, change is not easy. You may fail in your attempts. So, be prepared quickly concede your failure, pick yourself up, and start again.

5. Forgiveness

Asking for forgiveness shows that you want to heal a relationship.
It shows that you realize you did something wrong.
However, most of us fear rejection. Asking for forgiveness means that we lose control. I cannot know if I will be forgiven or not.
We may fear failure. Asking forgiveness, may for some mean ‘sin’ equals failure. Perhaps it is better to see an error as a hurdle to overcome to become a stronger and healthier you.
Mature people recognize their fears but refuse to be held captive by those fears. If you value you relationship you will go against your fears and take the step needed to heal the relationship you cherish.
Mature people recognize that we have personality flaws but refuse to be controlled by them when they are obviously dysfunctional.
Having the conviction to ask for forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It shows you value your relationship.
However, you cannot demand to be forgiven.
Being prepared to forgive is also a sign you value your relationship.
Being willing to forgive can be hard because
· Forgiveness may require you give up a quest for justice
· Forgive for actions with long lasting consequences
· Forgiveness is difficult for major or repeated offences
Forgiveness is not a small thing. So if you are not immediately forgiven, endeavor to show your love – and sincere sorrow, using the predominately used love language of your partner.
Apologizing is a choice. However, if you cherish your love life consider the words of Margaret Lee Runbeck:

“Apology is a lovely perfume;
it can transform the clumsiest moment
into a gracious gift.”